Dear August, my month of life contemplation.

I suppose it is not my usual initial instinct to post a blog amongst all the absurdity of myspace, but

for some reason it seems to suit at this point in time. The following are two journal entries, handwritten entries, from August last year and August this year. Yes, annually, I analyze my life and write about it in hopes that someday, everything will finally make some sort of sense, and I that I will be able to understand the progression of my growth. I record this on the internet, at least these past two years, securing that if by some freak accident my journal spontaneously combusts, I will have assurance that my thoughts are not forgotten and lost forever.

8.8.2006

I don't even know where I'm going with this. What the hell happend to me. What happend to the ambition, and why did everything start moving so fast and when did everything become so temporary and insignificant? I don't laugh as hard anymore, I can feel myself becoming more irritable and intolerable of people, words, mistakes, incidents, everything. The simple pleasures have lost their allure, and days come and go, meandering through my mind, flying past even my periphrial vision. No one and nothing seems good enough amore. I wish so much to say that I'm wanting and striving for so much more, but I'm sure at this point that I would be lying to you. My perception on life is ridiculously purged through descriptions in my mind so that maybe I can find meaning, who knows if I really see it. It all seems so predictable from here, I know where each path will take me, and I'm no longer sure I care so much as to knowing what's beyond those roads.

Opportunities don't seem as avaliable anymore. Things come and go, people are forgotten before you remember that you met them, and chapters in your life have began writing themselves faster than you're able to read and digest them.

I want so badly to find meaning in life. I want so badly to have significance and purpose. I want so badly to be the current against the stream, per se, but what is this desire if I'm just waiting to be accepted among everyone else.
Why is there so much wanting in my life, and not enough I haves and that's (he's) mine. Why is thre always so much indecision and worry? Why do I worry so much about making a wrong decision? It feels like every path I decide to take is another wrong turn that brings me to a detour that brings me back to where I started. There is no progression.

I'm in such a hurry to find a perfect life, searching in areas of absurdity and indulging in the stories of everyone else, to realize that my own story has already surpassed me, and people have already grown owd, lives have gone on, milestones have been passed, acceptance letters recieved, people have long moved away. Everyone just keeps moving away. People I once played with and such are getting married, children are being born, and all I can do is sit and watch in awe and amazement because I can honestly no longer comprehend.

Things get done, people move on, things get crossed off, yet for every task completed, more and more unchecked boxes on my list pile up in mockery, plauging me with obligation and worry. I have so much to do, but so many hours in the day are wasted because I don't even know where to start.

I want high expectations, but I don't even know what to expect. I'm terrified of the future, I'm terrified of failure, of letting people down that have invested so much in me, but it looks as if they're bound for disappointment.

And what the hell, volleyball? Potential is a dangerous thing. No one ever knows when they'll reach that perceptively non-existant line that signifies your peak; the point where you have actually reached your full potential. You play your freaking heart out, and you're really doing all you can, but it will never ever feel like what you're doing is good enough.

There's so much I want to be, so much I want to do, so many places I want to go. I want to reach beyond the stars but the ground is something I just can't seem to let go of.

I lead a life of such fallacy. I want so badly for people to be pleased, to laugh, to entertain, when really, what the hell is the point?

By now, shouldn't I have had an epiphany and hold at least one secret of life? Shouldn't things make sense, and shouldn't the have not's been had and the dare not's been dared? Hasn't enough time already been wasted and all the useless talents been revealed?

The fear and intimidating words were already supposed to be said and done and gotten over, but by now I should know that unlike everything else, those won't ever seem to end.

Someone will always have something to say, and no one else ever going to be fully satisfied. Some may come close, in fact. Dangerously close.

Life seems so constantly unfinished, why are there so many loose ends, and everything is always so impermanent. Time doesn't always heal because memories don't always fade.

It's strange, indiscovery, yet all of the garbage we have yet to experience finds so much relation and recognition.

Why aren't talents ever taken advantage of? Why do I always wanto so much more, yet being content frightens me.

Your life, when reflected back to yourself, seems so simple, and the battles and struggles you don't think you'll ever survive seem like stupid thumbwrestles. Everything becomes so insignificant. Those memories you posess are always held so selectively, why do you desire so much control when you know there is such a stronger and higher force out there.

Why can't i take the important things seriously and let go of the mindless problems that time shouldn't be wasted on? Who's taking you to homecoming, because for some reason, that seems to be the most pertinant piece of information right now.

I want to life a life worth while.

I want to make people pround.

I don't want to let anyone down.

I want to do the best I possibly can with my life but i don't know where to turn and where the potholes will be and i'm driving blind.

I just want to feel like I'm worth it.

As if i was good enough.

I want to make a difference in someone's life.

I want to be loved

I want to love.

Sometimes I'm not even sure I know how.

Or that I ever have.

Breathe.

I'm always so tired but sleep never seems to be the appropriate remedy.

Humbleness and humility are drilled into my brain, nailed to my forehead, but why haven't i learned them?

No one is perfect, and there will always be words you'll wish you said and things you'll want to make proclaimations about but the speeches will never meet their deliveries.

There's so much to create, so many things to learn, so many unwritten words. There are a diminishing amount of secrets, since everyone seems to know everyone else's business.
Learn to rise above it, I suppose. Find purpose. Make this time worthwhile.

Have faith. You'll make it out somehow.

8.9.2007

What do I want out of life?

Funny how life unfolds. I once said I didn't know what I wanted in life, that I didn't know what i wanted to become. I don't know why, or how, I've dug myself into such a rut this summer. My life is unbelievely incredible, plainly and factually. I can honestly say that I can say that from my heart.

I, for once in my life, decided to act upon impulse. I wanted to feel control, and somehow, I learned how to get whatever I wanted in my life, and I'm not sure that I can say this knowledge was as beneficial as I imagined it to be.

I know this much:

I've learned that I can be strong, and that I can hold my own, but that I weaken in fear.

I've embraced quiet, and the beauty of peace. I can't stand violence, yet I find myself in tantrums of rage desiring violent behavior from time to time.

I don't want to appear as a reliant individual. I want to understand balanced control in life.

I understand that you are the only person that can truly turn you into whatever you want to be.

I want to be knowledgeable of as many things as possible.

I want to be trust worthy. I don't want to lie anymore, to my friends, people in general, actually, and above all, my family. I want the people in my life to know who I truly am and what I stand for, in honesty.

I want to learn and embrace independence. I want to be at peace with myself. I want to stop worrying about all the numbers and equations I've developed, from how many friends I gain to how many people I can attract to how many attention spans I can hold to how many variables I can manipulate to produce any situation I want, to how many inches I need to grow to how many pounds I need to lose to how many talents I can juggle and how many people I can amaze.

I want to be productive with my time, and fulfill the undeniable need of indulging in doing nothing, which can still be productive. I want to learn genuine gratitude, and learn how to truly respect my elders. I want to hope, look for, and bring out the best in people, and I want to give each person at least two second chances.

I want badly to believe that there is good in everyone, and I'd like to hope that I can find it.

I want to be happy. To find happiness from experiencing people and situations, from knowing that I truly love and care about the people around me, and to really truly find that I am loved in return. I want to find hapiness from doing good, from being comfortable with my life, and laughing whole heartedly again.

I understand that not everyone and everything can be perfect.

I want to help others.

I want to exert my full efforts in everything I do.

I never want to stop learning, and I never want to stop seeking improvement.

I want to support my family, and want to keep my future full and open. I want to have a healthy relationship with God, and full relationships with my friends. I want to suceed in my classes, and seek excellence.

I will never doubt myself.

I want to be forgiving, and I want to be humble. I want to be empathetic, and be a source of hope. I want to offer hope.

I want to inspire, and be constantly inspired.

I want to become truly beautiful, and posess and aura of grace.

What about the love thing?

Why do I want to be in a relationship and what do I want to get out of it? What is my purpose for investing so much time and energy, so much heartache, yet so much giddyness, and just being so damn happy?

What do I want from this?
I believe it should be a companion ship. I want someone to run wild with me and do spontaneous things, with a level head. Someone who can talk everything out with me, with enlightening view points on life, someone I can learn from. A person I can, despite how ridiculous the situation, find a level of understanding with. I don't want him to be judgemental, and I want someone agreeable and amicable. Someone trustworthy, with a genuine spirit. Someone who posesses confidence and self assurance. A person with passion, a passion for something in life, who has a purpose for living and has something worth fighting for. I don't want him to cater to me, or spoil me. I don't want to feel superior or inferior.

I want to find depth in him and want honesty. I want a gentle, eloquent speaker, but someone I can laugh and be stupid and laugh at maybe even crude jokes with.

Someone I can figure out the meaning of life with, or get as close to it as we can reach. I want someone who I won't have to worry about when meeting the other people in my life, so that I won't have to hold their hand through situations, etc.

Someone I won't ever have to hear "I'm bored." from, (or won't ever make me bored), and will never be asked 'Well.....................what do you want to do?" from.

I want the butterflies, of course, and that rush from the mere sight of the other person, or just seeing their name on the caller ID. (lame, but it happens.)

The euphorical, endorphine rush.

A relationship where I want to run up to the person and attack them with a hug and shower with kisses. Someone who I can make the ugliest faces around and make stupid noises and laugh for hours. Someone who's wliling to be adventurous, and push me past my limits of bravery. Someone with an open mind who's willing to try new things.

Who appreciates beauty and art, music and the earth, who knows how to appreciate solitude and silence.

Someone who will cry with me, or be there for me when I cry, at least.

Someone comfortable with their lives and with themselves. Someone who I can make laugh, and can make me laugh.

Someone to trust.

Someone to wholly and truly love.

A person who embraces their talents and runs with them, who doesn't take their intelligence and gifts for granted.

Someone who truly loves life, who will make time worthwhile, and make even the worst of days more tolerable.

Who doesn't preach at me, but advises.

Someone I can respect, who can protect me, who is strong, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Who understands the beauty of timing, when to be serious, when to be insane, when to be still.

Who understands that you don't have to be together every second of the day.

Who understands the meaning of unconditional.

Someone considerate, compassionate.

Who craves knowledge, and doesn't attempt to step over people and out rank them, who isn't a dick and isn't cocky.

Who can play with children and puppies with me.

Who accepts his faults.

Who is humble.

Who loves God.

I realize this is unrealistic, and maybe unattainable.

Maybe.

But I don't doubt it exists.